Happy Valentine’s
Roses are red,
Violets are violet,
Please kindly remember:
Vision deficiency is no laughing matter.
Pivotal Matters
January 27, 2014
Dating profiles
A number of employees at Pivotal Matters have submitted profiles – hoping to find “the one”. For contact details, leave a message.
Name: Greg.
Ethnicity: Snail.
Interests: Long walks on the beach.
Name: Wendy.
Ethnicity: Great white shark.
Interests: Men.
Name: Pat.
Ethnicity: Domesticated turkey.
Interests: TV. My favourite shows are Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men.
Name: Brian.
Ethnicity: Mole.
Interests: Optometry and vision sciences.
Name: Chad.
Ethnicity: Howler monkey.
Interests: Networking. I also enjoy updating my Linkedin profile. It’s all about the social media presence. It’s all about who you know, not what you know. I’m not the smartest guy out there, but I hustle. I don’t think I’m awesome. I AM awesome. Real men hustle. It’s all about hustling.
Name: Terrence (I also go by Terré).
Ethnicity: Komodo dragon.
Interests: I’m really into skincare. I am LOVING the new Shiseido bio-performance line. A-MAZE! I love the way it feels on my scales. The eye-cream is to die for. I don’t know what’s in it, but there are graphs in the ads, so you can tell that science is the main ingredient. Finally a product that I will fix my under-eye circles!!!!!!!!!
Name: Penelope Cruises.
Ethnicity: Sea cucumber.
Interests: Vaseline.
Name: Mercedes Benz.
Ethnicity: German.
Interests: Interests? I’m a car.
Pivotal Matters is an equal opportunity employer, committed to creating a diverse environment. All employment decisions are made without regard to race, colour, religion, social origin, sex, age, physical, mental or sensory disability, HIV status, sexual orientation, gender identity, marital, civil union or domestic partnership status, past or present military service, family medical history or genetic information, family or parental status.
This entry was typed by our pregnant 78 year old intern, Steve.
“I was born with three eyes, and Pivotal Matters welcomed me with open arms. Three of them.” – Steve, 78, groundhog.
January 8, 2014
Astute astrology (#2)*
- Aries: Try thinking.
- Capricorn: Seek therapy.
- Pieces: Work already.
- Virgo: Chill out.
- Libra: Quit judging.
- Leo: Quit bragging.
- Aquarius: Quit dreaming.
- Scorpio: Open up.
- Sagittarius: Grow up.
- Taurus: Loosen up.
- Cancer: Man up.
- Gemini: Shut up.
*Collated from all horoscopes. Advice applicable for the rest of your life.
January 4, 2014
Improving classics
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going to heaven, we were all going direct the other way…
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, 1859.
Nobody knew what time it was.
A Tale of Too Shitties by Pivotal Matters, 2014.
The first place that I can well remember was a large pleasant meadow with a pond of clear water in it. Some shady trees leaned over it, and rushes and water-lilies grew at the deep end. Over the hedge on one side we looked into a plowed field, and on the other we looked over a gate at our master’s house…
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1877.
The trees leaned suspiciously over the pond.
Shady Trees by Pivotal Matters, 2014.
On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky, 1866.
On an exceptionally hot evening early in July an old woman came out of the garret in which she lodged in S. Place and sprinted rapidly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
Time for Refreshment by Pivotal Matters, 2014.
The studio was filled with the rich odour of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden, there came through the open door the heavy scent of the lilac, or the more delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn.
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, 1890.
Summer Wind: rose, lilac, a garden tree, pink-flowering thorns.
Now available in stores by Pivotal Matters, 2014.
Call me Ishmael… whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off – then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.
Moby Dick by Herman Melville, 1851.
Call me Dick. I obstruct traffic flow and knock people’s hats off. I like moisture.
Dick by Pivotal Matters, 2014.
Well, Prince, Genoa and Lucca are now no more than private estates of the Bonaparte family. No, I warn you, that if you do not tell me we are at war… you are no longer my friend, no longer my faithful slave, as you say. There, how do you do, how do you do? I see I’m scaring you, sit down and talk to me.
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy, 1869.
Sit down, let me read you something. It won’t take long.
War and Peace by Pivotal Matters, 2014.
January 1, 2014
New Year’s resolutions
1. Write more
1. Read more
1. Run more
1. Achieve more.
1. It is 2014. Stop writing 2013. Preferably before December.
